Thursday, December 6th

lately I’ve felt so conflicted
I know I should be happy, but I’m just not
I don’t think I realised how much I relied on people
Until I was forced to be on my own

He is my source of happiness and love and comfort and all the verbs, metaphors and similes in the world could never sum up how much I am unconditionally in love with him

But he has to leave
He has to live
Work
Survive

So I’m left alone
I’ve always felt lonely, but for 14 years people were there to numb that
I don’t have those people anymore

Sure they’re on the other end of the screen
But they’re not here
I can’t run to them anymore
They’re living their lives and happily from the looks of it

And
I’m
Just here

Sat waiting for them to come home

I’ve never been a public crier
None of my friends have seen me cry
Yet everyday I’m biting my lip and feel on the verge of tears

I’m so unhappy
I want to disappear
Yet I should be the happiest I’ve ever been

Now…

Oh Friend,

how i wish could tell you that things have changed for me and although they are starting to i still very much feel this way, life is miserable at the moment. Of course i have moments when it feels like the fog on my brain is lifting but those moments are few and far between and ive realised im going to have to start accepting the fact that i have be in my own company a lot more.

i remember when i sent this to her the caption i added was “wow i was really sad one night huh” and to be honest those nights seem to be becoming a regular occurrence in my life.

its because i feel so stuck, its like im waiting for life to start. I’m waiting to move out, to get away, to finish a course that ive only just begun. But im getting there its nearing the end of term and sure i have assignments but at least im free to see my people whenever i want to

How I wish everything i had to say wasnt so depressing sometimes, but it seems to be the place the creative part of my mind is stuck.

Wednesday, December 5th

// You

I’ll never send you this because the thought of you getting to hear the rambles on my brain makes me feel physically sick

It’s interesting

The silent treatment is a form of abuse did you know?

And I heard you called yourself the blamer

What about the manipulator

The criticiser

The controller?

I wasn’t even allowed to break up with you how I wanted to

I forgive

Because in a sad way you probably haven’t realised what you’ve done

The effect you’ve had

That how you treated me was not okay

You probably loved me in your own way

But I deserved to be treated like a queen

To be supported

To be reminded of how beautiful and intelligent I am

I do not deserved to feel dread

To feel guilt

To feel fear

My friends don’t forgive you

They won’t ever forgive you

They watched me become a ghost because I wouldn’t let them help sooner

They had to pick up the pieces

I’m glad that they’ll never forgive you

They can be angry for me

They can hate you for me

But in a weird way I’m probably more angry that you caused them hardship

You don’t talk about me I’ve heard

You avoid the subject

Is that because you’re ashamed of how you treated me

Or is because you’ve convinced yourself that I was in the wrong

When all I ever did was care for you and apologise for shit that wasn’t my fault

Sure I wasn’t perfect, who is?

But I was pretty damn fucking good and you should have realised that but you didn’t

My “therapists” tell me I’m going through the stages of grief

And that’s why I’m not mad

But I’m not grieving who you were

I’m grieving who you should have been and weren’t

And I don’t want to hear an excuse

There’s no excuse under the sun for how you behaved

I told you

Long ago that if we broke up I would never hate you

That I’d never forget you

That’s true

I just think that fragile girl and this recovering woman have different reasons to remember

I’ll never see you again

You’ll never see me again

You won’t have to ignore me anymore

And I won’t have to look away

Just know

I could have told your friends

I could have reported you

I could have gotten you removed from any environment I was in because of how unsafe you make me feel

But I didn’t

Because after all this time I can’t bring myself to hurt you

I wish you could have done the same for me

Yours sincerely

A woman you have no power over //

when I wrote that

I thought i was coming to the end of recovery

But truthfully I was still so near the start,

And honestly I’m still near the beginning

But I got somethings wrong

I did see you again and what a mess you’ve become

You weren’t suppose to go

So I agreed

And so you went, manipulation and power still seem to be so integral to who you are I see.

I’m glad I went because I met Him

Someone I thought because of you I wouldn’t be able to hold close

To let hold me

Your name doesn’t even belong

On the same line

His

Everything about him feels right

With him I am confident, happy, cared about and caring

We can smile and joke and enjoy each other’s company

Without feeling on edge

Like I’m going to say the wrong thing

Like I’m going to set him off

He knows the basis of what you were like

Seems you treated you friends

In a similar way

Since being with him

My name

Hasn’t seemed to have left your lips

Your mind

You’re still making me the mad person

The bad person

The villain

And that’s okay, because He knows

My people know, who I am

So twist me into whatever monster helps you justify your anger

Because now

I’m gone

They’re leaving

And you’re the one alone

its not living

(if it’s not with you)

love

An emotion that seems to be the end point

The plot of every book novel and poem

Lack of

The effects of

The obsession with

As an outsider looking in for so long the concept of love always seemed somewhat

Impossible.

The love I speak Of here is not that which is forced upon us with the phrase “but I love them because they’re my “insert blood relation here”

I believe the first person I ever loved I still love to this day

she was, is and always will be my best friend

she’s the person the person that taught me the meaning of the word friendship

The person I would jump into an abyss for

But the love I feel for her is not the same as I feel for him

Much like being with her, I can’t imagine a world or my life without him. If anything when I look in his eyes I can see the whole of my life with him.

He radiates a happiness that my whole being longs for, hence why the majority of my thoughts since we locked eyes once again have been

him

How is it possible to feel as if I have always loved him when in truth I’ve only been able to call him mine for a few short months?

It’s as if my soul although more complete after finding her, has been lost with out him

searching for him

waiting for him

When I am with him it’s as if just for a while the heavy fog that suffocates my mind

is gone

And I can truly be who I am and want to be, I can be unapologetically happy

even when i feel most vulnerable, lost or frightened all I have to do is look at him,

and im safe, im home

so now all i can do is thank them and hope we never have to say goodbye

“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in another, and the delight in the recognition” – Alexander Smith