Thursday, December 6th

lately I’ve felt so conflicted
I know I should be happy, but I’m just not
I don’t think I realised how much I relied on people
Until I was forced to be on my own

He is my source of happiness and love and comfort and all the verbs, metaphors and similes in the world could never sum up how much I am unconditionally in love with him

But he has to leave
He has to live
Work
Survive

So I’m left alone
I’ve always felt lonely, but for 14 years people were there to numb that
I don’t have those people anymore

Sure they’re on the other end of the screen
But they’re not here
I can’t run to them anymore
They’re living their lives and happily from the looks of it

And
I’m
Just here

Sat waiting for them to come home

I’ve never been a public crier
None of my friends have seen me cry
Yet everyday I’m biting my lip and feel on the verge of tears

I’m so unhappy
I want to disappear
Yet I should be the happiest I’ve ever been

Now…

Oh Friend,

how i wish could tell you that things have changed for me and although they are starting to i still very much feel this way, life is miserable at the moment. Of course i have moments when it feels like the fog on my brain is lifting but those moments are few and far between and ive realised im going to have to start accepting the fact that i have be in my own company a lot more.

i remember when i sent this to her the caption i added was “wow i was really sad one night huh” and to be honest those nights seem to be becoming a regular occurrence in my life.

its because i feel so stuck, its like im waiting for life to start. I’m waiting to move out, to get away, to finish a course that ive only just begun. But im getting there its nearing the end of term and sure i have assignments but at least im free to see my people whenever i want to

How I wish everything i had to say wasnt so depressing sometimes, but it seems to be the place the creative part of my mind is stuck.

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