Wednesday, December 5th

// You

I’ll never send you this because the thought of you getting to hear the rambles on my brain makes me feel physically sick

It’s interesting

The silent treatment is a form of abuse did you know?

And I heard you called yourself the blamer

What about the manipulator

The criticiser

The controller?

I wasn’t even allowed to break up with you how I wanted to

I forgive

Because in a sad way you probably haven’t realised what you’ve done

The effect you’ve had

That how you treated me was not okay

You probably loved me in your own way

But I deserved to be treated like a queen

To be supported

To be reminded of how beautiful and intelligent I am

I do not deserved to feel dread

To feel guilt

To feel fear

My friends don’t forgive you

They won’t ever forgive you

They watched me become a ghost because I wouldn’t let them help sooner

They had to pick up the pieces

I’m glad that they’ll never forgive you

They can be angry for me

They can hate you for me

But in a weird way I’m probably more angry that you caused them hardship

You don’t talk about me I’ve heard

You avoid the subject

Is that because you’re ashamed of how you treated me

Or is because you’ve convinced yourself that I was in the wrong

When all I ever did was care for you and apologise for shit that wasn’t my fault

Sure I wasn’t perfect, who is?

But I was pretty damn fucking good and you should have realised that but you didn’t

My “therapists” tell me I’m going through the stages of grief

And that’s why I’m not mad

But I’m not grieving who you were

I’m grieving who you should have been and weren’t

And I don’t want to hear an excuse

There’s no excuse under the sun for how you behaved

I told you

Long ago that if we broke up I would never hate you

That I’d never forget you

That’s true

I just think that fragile girl and this recovering woman have different reasons to remember

I’ll never see you again

You’ll never see me again

You won’t have to ignore me anymore

And I won’t have to look away

Just know

I could have told your friends

I could have reported you

I could have gotten you removed from any environment I was in because of how unsafe you make me feel

But I didn’t

Because after all this time I can’t bring myself to hurt you

I wish you could have done the same for me

Yours sincerely

A woman you have no power over //

when I wrote that

I thought i was coming to the end of recovery

But truthfully I was still so near the start,

And honestly I’m still near the beginning

But I got somethings wrong

I did see you again and what a mess you’ve become

You weren’t suppose to go

So I agreed

And so you went, manipulation and power still seem to be so integral to who you are I see.

I’m glad I went because I met Him

Someone I thought because of you I wouldn’t be able to hold close

To let hold me

Your name doesn’t even belong

On the same line

As

His

Everything about him feels right

With him I am confident, happy, cared about and caring

We can smile and joke and enjoy each other’s company

Without feeling on edge

Like I’m going to say the wrong thing

Like I’m going to set him off

He knows the basis of what you were like

Seems you treated you friends

In a similar way

Since being with him

My name

Hasn’t seemed to have left your lips

Your mind

You’re still making me the mad person

The bad person

The villain

And that’s okay, because He knows

My people know, who I am

So twist me into whatever monster helps you justify your anger

Because now

I’m gone

They’re leaving

And you’re the one alone

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