Being Honest

Friend, I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long there’s a few reasons for this but the main one was that I felt I could only two to you about sad things and things haven’t been bad for a while. They’ve been hard and stressful but my brain hasn’t fallen apart like it so often does so I thought that I couldn’t talk you. But then I remember that you’re mine so here’s something more personal and less poetic.

Though I haven’t officially dated anyone for two years until now,

Before I got to where I am there were a few interests

A few maybes

A few what ifs

And even a few I could love you’s

Before I met the Love of my life

For the sake of these people’s anonymity since I have no anger or pain toward them I’ll be referring to them as entirely different names.

I should probably start with my first proper boyfriend who we’ll call dickhead (I still have a lot of resentment toward this person that is entirely justified if you knew the kind of shit this guy did) was perfectly fine for the first year or let’s be realistic half a year. Then it all went downhill to a point where I ended up in a very scary position that I thank the people around me for getting me out of. But this really isn’t about that asshole so I’m not going to bother spending anymore time talking about him. He’s in the past and he can very much stay there and more importantly stay the fuck away from me.

Before i had officially broken up with dickhead I met Marcus, I knew of Marcus but had never actually had any classes with him and honestly had gotten the impression that he wasn’t my biggest fan. In actuality Marcus was this really sweet and awesome person, he was the person that really showed me that how dickhead was treating me was not right at all.

Marcus and I were for a long time even after I broke up with dickhead friends that both kind of liked each other in secret. The more time we spent together the closer we got, but to say I didn’t want to get into another relationship yet was an understatement especially after the mess that dickhead caused. But I really liked Marcus and the more time I spent with him on my own the more I realised I really liked him and that scared the shit out of me, I wasn’t ready for all the relationship drama again I was finally back to being myself and I was scared being with Marcus would change that. So out of fear I lied to him, I knew he liked me and I told him that I just don’t feel a romantic connection with him (a bold faced lie). He was actually super sweet about it which really I should have expected but it really shocked me. So we kept speaking like we had and after a while I said fuck it, I like this person I’m just going to admit it so a few months later on a late night call I told him, admitted how I felt and was more than a little relieved when he said the feeling was mutual. Things didn’t really change though we became a little bit more romantic but only really through a screen, when I saw him we shared secret smiles and locks of the eye but aside from that we just acted like normal, like we always had when people had seen us together.

You’re probably reading this like why did you keep this so hush hush? Well honestly we felt it was better that way, less people involved meant we could just go at our own pace which for me was exactly what I needed. Me and Marcus weren’t technically officially together and this is where I’ll put my hands up and say I messed up, Marcus is a very very loyal and trusting person and I guess we were having a conversation that got under his skin. I told him that if he wanted to date someone else that I wouldn’t be able to stop him, this is where everything changed. This hurt Marcus like really hurt him, his entire vibe with me changed it wasn’t sweet and romantic anymore it became cold and cut off and for a while I couldn’t understand why. He was ignoring me virtually and in person and I hated it because I had no idea why, after a while I ended up flat out asking and he told me that what I had said had really upset him, I apologised and he accepted it but there was a distance from that point on. Arguably before this happened Marcus was by far the one that was putting more effort into whatever we were, but now it was all me and it was more than a little disheartening so we stopped messaging all the time and it became small and often.

This is when the entire time line of people gets a little fuzzy so bare with me. During this awkward quiet period with Marcus, my best friends and I decided as a group of alleged single people which should all make Tinder accounts for each other. My best friend would be the one to choose all the pictures of me, my bio and be the one to swipe for me, all I had to do was watch and laugh at the ridiculous pick up lines some of the guys use on tinder. This is how I “met” Jake, I put met in quotation marks because I still haven’t technically met Jake and I probably never will. Jake was the opposite of Marcus in regards to looks, personality and approach to me. Jake made it very apparent from the start that he was very attracted to me, wanted wine and dine me essentially. I think that initially a lot of girls would avoid Jake because he’d come of as a “fuck boy” that thinks with one body part. Yet, once I had made it clear that I had no intention to send him nudes because I had never met him and just wasn’t cool with that shit his walls started to come down. Jake was actually a really nice guy well that’s what I thought, he would constantly tell me how beautiful I was after convincing me to actually give him my Snapchat and send pictures of my face something I hadn’t really been comfortable with even with my best friend. Jake told me his mission was going to help me feel more confident in myself because he thought that dickhead had ruined my self esteem and I’d agree. After a few months of causal talking Jake kinda stopped popping up and that was okay I was in the midst of school work and was still having tense conversations with Marcus sometimes. I wound up messaging Jake to check in and he’d got a girlfriend and I was genuinely happy for him I’d known he’d wanted one after his ex had majorly fucked with his head.

With Jake off the cards and Marcus taking a step back from me to say I got bored was an understatement, I felt like I’d kinda lost at the most an awesome friend in Marcus and it really hurt. And I hadn’t actually told any of my friends about Marcus they all knew about Jake because they were the ones who brought him into my life. That’s when Nathan became a thing, Nathan was a guy in the year below me that I had always thought was cute and I actually had a lot in common with. He was easy to talk to, Nathan if anything was just a friend I had a bit of a crush on. I’m still very much friends with Nathan, I don’t see him as much anymore but he never knew I thought he was cute so Nathan if you’re reading this and have worked out that this is about you errr…Hi.

Either way I built a really good relationship with Nathan and I think I needed his friendship in my life. Things were still strange, I’d had an argument with Marcus and by argument I mean he popped up when I was Ill and told me I had done something that was offensive and I apologised profusely, because it had not been intentional rather it was just a misunderstanding.

Now things were strange, Marcus was hot and cold like he couldn’t make up his mind. This is where I should introduce Katie, Katie was Marcus’ best friend. When I made friends with Marcus she made it pretty clear that she didn’t have any intention of being friends with me or letting me into her group of friends, that was cool I had my own friends and would only hang around Katie for Marcus. I had always got the vibe that Katie didn’t like me being around Marcus, now I look back she was jealous but back then I just found it weird, I hadn’t given her any reason to not like me. Marcus is the type of person to become obsessed with things and it felt like every new obsession also became Katie’s, but hey I didn’t think anything of it they were just best friends right? Here’s where shit gets bad, I followed Marcus on Twitter and one day I logged on and saw that Marcus had said something just out right shady toward my favourite band and in particular their fans aka me. And to say I flipped was an understatement, he’d been stringing me along, couldn’t reply to my messages but had time to shit talk a band that he knew were my entire life. So I replied to him on twitter and we had a full argument in my mentions about A CHORD PROGRESSION of all things. His friends then went through and liked all of his points in the argument just to annoy me more; so my friends reciprocated.

After that happened I messaged him saying we needed to talk, that I needed to know if he was done with me so I could move on because I wasn’t going to bother trying anymore. He replied agreeing and asked if he could ring me and I agreed, the conversation was more than a little heated at first and he accused me of A LOT, the thing that stuck with me was that I was a manipulator because I’d tell him outright when something upset me when he’d prefer to just go quiet. The argument eventually died down with the both of us apologising and telling the other what had hurt us within the whole thing, we decided that we were gonna start again with a clean slate. I was happy things actually seemed to be working out, so I messaged him the day after and he told me he didn’t wanna dive straight back in. And that he didn’t intend to talk everyday so I said so just causally talking then? And he said he thought it was best. And apart from an awkward birthday message from him that was it, we never spoke again really. The next time I saw Marcus is when I was in a pub with Love (my current boyfriend) and all my friends. Me and Marcus share a few mutual friends and it just so happened that this night out had been sorted by that friend so we were both invited, and you’ll never guess who Marcus showed up with and was making out with all night? Katie, I fucking knew she was jealous.

Slightly before all the Marcus drama started again Jake popped up to me. We would still talk on and off and when he found out I was going to Reading Festival he messaged me and said that he was going with his girlfriend and he’d love to meet me. I didn’t really think much of it I asked my best friend that I was going with and she agreed but the plan was to just meet Jake maybe grab a drink with him then go do our own shit. But about a month and a half before Reading festival Jake popped up like I said we still spoke on and off so I didn’t think much of it. Jake told me that he’d broken up with his girlfriend and now had no one to go to Reading with and asked if he could spend the entire weekend with me and my best friend. I was a little thrown off to be honest with you, im nobody’s rebound and that’s exactly what it felt like. I told him that we’d just stick to our plan that we already had and meet him like we said we would, Jake obviously misinterpreted that because he made a plan for our day. What time we’d have to move crowds, who we were seeing, what we’d be eating basically;everything you could think of. I was so confused i knew Jake sure, we’d been speaking for a while now but Reading festival was the last big thing I would be doing with my best friend before she went to uni so there was no way I was sacrificing our plans to be with Jake. The closer we got to the festival the more flirty Jake got, he also started saying things along the lines of “can’t you friend find something else to do so we can be together” which i always replied to with “no this weekend was meant to just be me and her”

This is where I should introduce Love, Love is my boyfriend who I love a lot. I use to go to school with Love and when I first met him I thought he was really cute and got this almost electric feeling from looking in his eyes but I was dating Dickhead. Dickhead also happened to be one of Loves best friends, so what did we do? Typical teenagers, we’d flirt with each other then tell each other we hated one another so we wouldn’t have to feel guilty about it(Love still claims he wasn’t flirting with me but he totally was). I remember in sixth form when Love started dating someone I got so jealous and couldn’t work out why because I was with dickhead I had no right to be jealous of this girl. But I was anyway I guess, life was kind of shitty for Love so he left sixth form after about 4 months and went to live in Italy which I really didn’t want him to do but looking back it was best for him. Anyway, I hadn’t heard from him but our mutual friend Oliver had been meeting up with Love a lot and one night when I was on my way home from work I got a drunk call from Oliver telling me how I should of come out and met them and watched the match and I said I’d meet them next time because I was coming home from work. Oliver kept messaging me trying to meet up, I thought me and Oliver were good friends but every time he would mention meeting he made it clear that he didn’t want to meet me unless Love was there. Now I should probably say I didn’t know that Love had a crush on me so I thought Oliver wouldn’t meet up with me one on one because he was friends with Dickhead. (I promise this all ties together just give me a second)

So one of my best friends in the entire world Claudia lives in Scotland and I hadn’t seen her in over a year. So she booked a ticket and made me the happiest girl ever and came down to see me. She’s a pretty popular girl so had to dedicate a day to each person she wanted to see. On the day that I had with her she was meeting up later that night with our old group of friends that consisted of Oliver, Love, Claudias ex boyfriend and 2 other guys one of which I went to primary school with and Dickhead. When talking to her she told me that she didn’t feel comfortable meeting with them alone and wouldn’t go unless I went with her so basically I had no choice. She’d actually been told in the group chat they were all in that dickhead wasn’t going but as soon as you found out i was going he went (I actually rolled my eyes while typing that). I hadn’t spoke properly to anyone in that group apart from Oliver so there was no way I wanted Claudia to just put in the group chat “by the way Cats coming” so I thought I know I’ll message Love. As far as I’d known Love was kind of organising stuff well at least that’s how it came across, so I messaged him asking if it would be alright if I went with Claudia because I didn’t want to start any drama I just wanted to support my friend and see Him and Oliver. Love assured me that it was fine to go and that Dickhead wasn’t even going so Claudia came to mine and we got ready for a night out with a group of boys that neither of us had spoke to properly in a year. So we both said fuck it let’s actually make an effort it was the summer so we were both tanned so wore crop tops and a full face of makeup and honesty I think we looked awesome. We were purposely late to see who’d show up and Oliver messaged me and said that Dickhead was there and was I going to be alright, I shrugged it off I thought it was funny especially after Claudia told me some of the stuff she knew, we basically found out that dickhead thought we were both hot and would have a chance with both of us mainly Claudia so we thought fuck it we look hot let’s go. When we got there it was awkward, like really really awkward Love wasn’t there yet either so the only person I really had to talk to was Oliver other than Claudia. Me and Claudia had agreed to stick together so we sat together next to Oliver and while Claudia made small talk with everyone me and Oliver were kinda cringing over how awkward the whole situation was.

To cut a long story short, Love showed up and that feeling I use to get when seeing him came back but was a lot more intense this time. Love have changed if I thought he was cute before now he was HOT and we were both single finally. There had been a group of really drunk guys making eyes at me and Claudia because we were the only girls under 50 in this pub, knowing how annoying drunk men can be I asked Love to come to the bar with me. Feeling a little buzzed and finding this boy attractive I jokingly said to him “you’re going to have to pretend to be my boyfriend so people leave me alone” which made his face go bright red, he did however place his hand gently on my lower back and pay for basically all my drinks from the rest of the night. Oliver had to leave early so me Claudia and Love started doing rounds of pitchers which meant we’d get 2 for 12 and put as many paper straws as we could fit in it. Claudia had gone to the bathroom so Love shuffled over so we were next to each other and this is where flirty and very intense eye contact escalated into proper flirting. I wasn’t sure if he actually liked me but I knew I liked him, when he brushed against my knee his hand would linger a little and whenever I went to drink he’d knock me, basically any chance to touch me Love took, nothing has changed on that front. Baring in mind we are at table with dickhead claudias ex and two other guys, now I think about it we were very obviously into one another and I don’t even want to imagine what we looked like. At about 11:30 Claudia announced she was hungry so we made the decision to grab a burger, the guys all decided they’d come too and off we went. It was strange it was me Claudia and Love walking along all a bit tipsy and singing loudly to the music blasting out of the bars around us while the others including dickhead trailed behind. When we got in the restaurant to order everyone ditched me and Love and we shared a funny quite sweet moment and I remember thinking his friends were gonna be pissed at him for basically spending the entire night with me and flirting with his best friends ex (bare in mind me and dickhead had been split up for nearly 2 years at this point)

Anyway I was going to get an Uber home but everyone said they were getting the train my way including Love. So we all headed over to the station this time me Claudia and Love were the ones trailing behind taking pictures and just having fun. When we got to the station Claudia hugged us all goodbye because her bus was coming. This is when dickhead and the rest of the guys announced they weren’t getting the train anymore but were getting a lift, my heart sunk it was pretty late and I was going to have to go home alone and to say I felt a little vulnerable was an understatement. I remember just saying “oh” but they weren’t offering the lift to Love either because he said see you later then, I remember getting two goodbyes before me and Love ran off giggling like kids that had just got in trouble. Because of the way the trains work Love had to get the train to my stop and change, I think it was that train journey that made Love realise that I actually liked him back. The tension between us was electric, I had this feeling in my gut saying he was going to kiss me and I remember hoping that he would. But just as i thought he was going to we had to get off, I joked that really as a gentleman he should be walking me home, not really thinking much of it and ready to hug him goodbye. But Love tapped out without hesitation and walked me all the way home.

This is where Jake comes back into the picture, I’d met Love 3 days before Reading Festival, we weren’t dating Christ we hadn’t even kissed but there was something about this boy. I felt this loyalty to him like I’d always been with him so when Jake messaged me all I could think of was shit. I couldn’t meet this guy and let him basically try and date me for two days now I had Love so I told him, I told him how I really liked Love and that I didn’t want to do anything that could mess it up. Jake wasn’t happy, said the least I could do was meet him and let him have a chance to sway me because what I was doing was unfair. I flipped it on him and said that when he was seeing someone else that I stepped back and I had made it clear to him from the moment that we started talking that if either of us met someone we had every right to peruse that. Jake was insistent so I told him that Love had a ticket to the second day of the weekend so he tried to guilt me into seeing him the first day we were there because he’d be alone. But I had no intention, so when he said he’d be at the gate from 1 me and my best friend decided to get in for 12 so we could avoid him, we also put my phone on airplane mode so he couldn’t ring. I know it sounds mean but he couldn’t accept a No and that scared me. After avoiding him the day after I apologised for not catching him and said I hoped he had enjoyed the festival, he told me he had and not to worry that I could go and see this new guy and he’d “wait his turn” after receiving that message I stopped talking to him. I unfollowed him on everything so he couldn’t message me anymore.

And now I’m coming up to my 6 month anniversary With Love and I couldn’t be happier. I knew from the second that I looked at him when our paths crossed again that he was my person. Sure I had thought those other people had been cute and grew closer to them over time, but with Love it was instant like something at the core of my being just knew. It feels like I’ve only ever been with Love like I’ve known him my entire life because he is my entire life, my forever love for now and always.

But…you have friends

a line from a play

a character I adored

yet everyone around me just seemed to fear.

I didn’t, couldn’t, can’t understand why people feared her so much? Why was she so scary to them?

To me, she got it? Or maybe I got her

The line she repeats throughout is “but you have friends…you have a lot of friends” and it seems to be something she explores alone and comes to no conclusion with

Its a phrase that circles my mind late at night

A thought that my brain seems to use when trying to convince me to keep going

Yet here I am alone again, I spent the entire day alone at home

Know how many messages I received?

1 from my mother to tell me she’s coming home

Sometimes I like being alone but I never like being lonely and it seems to be the state I’m stuck in recently

It feels like if I disappeared off the face of the Earth nothing would happen

and that’s because

it wouldn’t

The world would keep turning, people would keep living. They’d have the inconvenience of a day off work but that’s about it

I’d fade

How selfish I sound but it’s how I feel, everyone has another option.

I am nobody’s first choice

Because sure, I have friends but those friends aren’t around

They’re never around anymore

It feels like I’m the only person in my world, in my head, in my space and I’m sick of it no wonder they’ve all left

I’d leave me too

If it wasn’t for this space to vent and finally communicate I’d probably have already left

Thursday, December 6th

lately I’ve felt so conflicted
I know I should be happy, but I’m just not
I don’t think I realised how much I relied on people
Until I was forced to be on my own

He is my source of happiness and love and comfort and all the verbs, metaphors and similes in the world could never sum up how much I am unconditionally in love with him

But he has to leave
He has to live
Work
Survive

So I’m left alone
I’ve always felt lonely, but for 14 years people were there to numb that
I don’t have those people anymore

Sure they’re on the other end of the screen
But they’re not here
I can’t run to them anymore
They’re living their lives and happily from the looks of it

And
I’m
Just here

Sat waiting for them to come home

I’ve never been a public crier
None of my friends have seen me cry
Yet everyday I’m biting my lip and feel on the verge of tears

I’m so unhappy
I want to disappear
Yet I should be the happiest I’ve ever been

Now…

Oh Friend,

how i wish could tell you that things have changed for me and although they are starting to i still very much feel this way, life is miserable at the moment. Of course i have moments when it feels like the fog on my brain is lifting but those moments are few and far between and ive realised im going to have to start accepting the fact that i have be in my own company a lot more.

i remember when i sent this to her the caption i added was “wow i was really sad one night huh” and to be honest those nights seem to be becoming a regular occurrence in my life.

its because i feel so stuck, its like im waiting for life to start. I’m waiting to move out, to get away, to finish a course that ive only just begun. But im getting there its nearing the end of term and sure i have assignments but at least im free to see my people whenever i want to

How I wish everything i had to say wasnt so depressing sometimes, but it seems to be the place the creative part of my mind is stuck.

Wednesday, December 5th

// You

I’ll never send you this because the thought of you getting to hear the rambles on my brain makes me feel physically sick

It’s interesting

The silent treatment is a form of abuse did you know?

And I heard you called yourself the blamer

What about the manipulator

The criticiser

The controller?

I wasn’t even allowed to break up with you how I wanted to

I forgive

Because in a sad way you probably haven’t realised what you’ve done

The effect you’ve had

That how you treated me was not okay

You probably loved me in your own way

But I deserved to be treated like a queen

To be supported

To be reminded of how beautiful and intelligent I am

I do not deserved to feel dread

To feel guilt

To feel fear

My friends don’t forgive you

They won’t ever forgive you

They watched me become a ghost because I wouldn’t let them help sooner

They had to pick up the pieces

I’m glad that they’ll never forgive you

They can be angry for me

They can hate you for me

But in a weird way I’m probably more angry that you caused them hardship

You don’t talk about me I’ve heard

You avoid the subject

Is that because you’re ashamed of how you treated me

Or is because you’ve convinced yourself that I was in the wrong

When all I ever did was care for you and apologise for shit that wasn’t my fault

Sure I wasn’t perfect, who is?

But I was pretty damn fucking good and you should have realised that but you didn’t

My “therapists” tell me I’m going through the stages of grief

And that’s why I’m not mad

But I’m not grieving who you were

I’m grieving who you should have been and weren’t

And I don’t want to hear an excuse

There’s no excuse under the sun for how you behaved

I told you

Long ago that if we broke up I would never hate you

That I’d never forget you

That’s true

I just think that fragile girl and this recovering woman have different reasons to remember

I’ll never see you again

You’ll never see me again

You won’t have to ignore me anymore

And I won’t have to look away

Just know

I could have told your friends

I could have reported you

I could have gotten you removed from any environment I was in because of how unsafe you make me feel

But I didn’t

Because after all this time I can’t bring myself to hurt you

I wish you could have done the same for me

Yours sincerely

A woman you have no power over //

when I wrote that

I thought i was coming to the end of recovery

But truthfully I was still so near the start,

And honestly I’m still near the beginning

But I got somethings wrong

I did see you again and what a mess you’ve become

You weren’t suppose to go

So I agreed

And so you went, manipulation and power still seem to be so integral to who you are I see.

I’m glad I went because I met Him

Someone I thought because of you I wouldn’t be able to hold close

To let hold me

Your name doesn’t even belong

On the same line

As

His

Everything about him feels right

With him I am confident, happy, cared about and caring

We can smile and joke and enjoy each other’s company

Without feeling on edge

Like I’m going to say the wrong thing

Like I’m going to set him off

He knows the basis of what you were like

Seems you treated you friends

In a similar way

Since being with him

My name

Hasn’t seemed to have left your lips

Your mind

You’re still making me the mad person

The bad person

The villain

And that’s okay, because He knows

My people know, who I am

So twist me into whatever monster helps you justify your anger

Because now

I’m gone

They’re leaving

And you’re the one alone