But…you have friends

a line from a play

a character I adored

yet everyone around me just seemed to fear.

I didn’t, couldn’t, can’t understand why people feared her so much? Why was she so scary to them?

To me, she got it? Or maybe I got her

The line she repeats throughout is “but you have friends…you have a lot of friends” and it seems to be something she explores alone and comes to no conclusion with

Its a phrase that circles my mind late at night

A thought that my brain seems to use when trying to convince me to keep going

Yet here I am alone again, I spent the entire day alone at home

Know how many messages I received?

1 from my mother to tell me she’s coming home

Sometimes I like being alone but I never like being lonely and it seems to be the state I’m stuck in recently

It feels like if I disappeared off the face of the Earth nothing would happen

and that’s because

it wouldn’t

The world would keep turning, people would keep living. They’d have the inconvenience of a day off work but that’s about it

I’d fade

How selfish I sound but it’s how I feel, everyone has another option.

I am nobody’s first choice

Because sure, I have friends but those friends aren’t around

They’re never around anymore

It feels like I’m the only person in my world, in my head, in my space and I’m sick of it no wonder they’ve all left

I’d leave me too

If it wasn’t for this space to vent and finally communicate I’d probably have already left

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