Tag: depression

But…you have friends

a line from a play

a character I adored

yet everyone around me just seemed to fear.

I didn’t, couldn’t, can’t understand why people feared her so much? Why was she so scary to them?

To me, she got it? Or maybe I got her

The line she repeats throughout is “but you have friends…you have a lot of friends” and it seems to be something she explores alone and comes to no conclusion with

Its a phrase that circles my mind late at night

A thought that my brain seems to use when trying to convince me to keep going

Yet here I am alone again, I spent the entire day alone at home

Know how many messages I received?

1 from my mother to tell me she’s coming home

Sometimes I like being alone but I never like being lonely and it seems to be the state I’m stuck in recently

It feels like if I disappeared off the face of the Earth nothing would happen

and that’s because

it wouldn’t

The world would keep turning, people would keep living. They’d have the inconvenience of a day off work but that’s about it

I’d fade

How selfish I sound but it’s how I feel, everyone has another option.

I am nobody’s first choice

Because sure, I have friends but those friends aren’t around

They’re never around anymore

It feels like I’m the only person in my world, in my head, in my space and I’m sick of it no wonder they’ve all left

I’d leave me too

If it wasn’t for this space to vent and finally communicate I’d probably have already left

Thursday, December 6th

lately I’ve felt so conflicted
I know I should be happy, but I’m just not
I don’t think I realised how much I relied on people
Until I was forced to be on my own

He is my source of happiness and love and comfort and all the verbs, metaphors and similes in the world could never sum up how much I am unconditionally in love with him

But he has to leave
He has to live
Work
Survive

So I’m left alone
I’ve always felt lonely, but for 14 years people were there to numb that
I don’t have those people anymore

Sure they’re on the other end of the screen
But they’re not here
I can’t run to them anymore
They’re living their lives and happily from the looks of it

And
I’m
Just here

Sat waiting for them to come home

I’ve never been a public crier
None of my friends have seen me cry
Yet everyday I’m biting my lip and feel on the verge of tears

I’m so unhappy
I want to disappear
Yet I should be the happiest I’ve ever been

Now…

Oh Friend,

how i wish could tell you that things have changed for me and although they are starting to i still very much feel this way, life is miserable at the moment. Of course i have moments when it feels like the fog on my brain is lifting but those moments are few and far between and ive realised im going to have to start accepting the fact that i have be in my own company a lot more.

i remember when i sent this to her the caption i added was “wow i was really sad one night huh” and to be honest those nights seem to be becoming a regular occurrence in my life.

its because i feel so stuck, its like im waiting for life to start. I’m waiting to move out, to get away, to finish a course that ive only just begun. But im getting there its nearing the end of term and sure i have assignments but at least im free to see my people whenever i want to

How I wish everything i had to say wasnt so depressing sometimes, but it seems to be the place the creative part of my mind is stuck.